You know what's worse than Waterfall? Pretending you're not doing Waterfall.

The Scaled Agile Framework is what happens when consultants read the Agile Manifesto, completely missed the point, and decided to sell enterprise management exactly what they wanted to hear: "Yes, you can keep all your command-and-control bureaucracy AND call it agile!"

PI Planning is Stockholm Syndrome as a Service

Let's talk about PI Planning. You know, that magical two-day ceremony where you lock 100+ people in a room (or Teams hell) to plan three months of work in excruciating detail. Nothing says "responding to change" like committing to a rigid 10-week plan with dependencies mapped out like you're launching the Space Shuttle.

And the best part? You'll do it again in 10 weeks. Forever. It's Groundhog Day for people who enjoy spreadsheets.

The Agile Manifesto Called, It Wants Its Soul Back

Remember "individuals and interactions over processes and tools"? SAFe said "nah" and gave you a framework with more roles than a Game of Thrones cast: Release Train Engineers, Solution Train Engineers, Epic Owners, Portfolio Managers. It's middle management's fever dream.

SAFe took "working software over comprehensive documentation" and responded with a certification program that requires more documentation than a FDA drug approval.

It's a Consultant Scam

SAFe isn't a framework. It's a jobs program for Agile coaches and a revenue stream for Scaled Agile Inc. Companies pay hundreds of thousands for certifications, tools, and consultants to implement a process that's fundamentally at odds with agility.

You don't scale agility by adding more process. You scale it by trusting teams, reducing dependencies, and getting the hell out of the way.

Just Admit You Want Waterfall

If you want predictability, Gantt charts, and top-down planning, fine. Do Waterfall. At least it's honest about what it is. But don't dress it up in agile terminology and pretend you're being iterative while running a command economy.

SAFe is agile for managers who want to feel innovative without changing anything that matters.